So, good news: I got the job! It's also why I haven't been posting since last week. I'm overwhelmed.
Everyone, or almost everyone I know has been asking me, "How was your first day(s)?" And since you asked, I'll tell you what I've told everyone else so far... and possibly a little more.
M
Most of that last part was more to convince me of that fact than anything. Have I mentioned that I'm overwhelmed?
I feel like I have so much information in my head that it's coming out my ears. The more I take in, the more I lose. I'm not organized and for someone like me who usually has everything colour coded, alphabetized and in its place, being unorganized is likely to make me go crazy. Quickly.
My mom says I'm a "C" Personality. Basically someone who is analytical, conscientious (funny.. that was always the standard adjective used to describe me on report cards in high school), careful and precise, uber organized and a perfectionist. She's probably right.. it sounds like me with my colour coded markers and daily planner that never leaves my side. So imagine this: you take one of those people, who's sanity and ability to work well depends on their organization and plunk them down in the middle of a chaotic situation without much warning and ask them to organize everything. You would have picked the best person for the job but that poor little C personality is going to have an anxiety attack. That's where I am right now, fighting an anxiety attack.
Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I have the job (I think. Or at least I will be on pay day..), and I know (logically) that it will all be ok, and probably pretty soon, but my goodness, is it summer yet?
8:00 am: I'm so tired! Like the kind of tired where your eyes go all weird and make you want to sleep standing up. I made it to the school ok but I misjudged how long it would take me to get here so I'm 15 minutes early. So now I'm just sitting in my car in the parking lot because I don't want to go in too early.
5:22 pm: Today was INSANE! I'm so glad that I don't have to rely on teaching in junior high! The morning wasn't bad - I had a student teacher (thank goodness) but when I asked what they needed me to do on my prep period (God forbid that substitutes should get to sit down and rest for a few minutes) they sent me to "support" a grade 8 math class. I got in there and the students were CRAZY! Off the walls, throwing things at each other, never less than two or three out of their seats at any one time and no math getting done! Ridiculous! Then, in the afternoon, the principal called everyone down to the gym and chewed out the entire student body because of their behaviour today. Apparently I picked a good day to be there. lol.. Right.
So I left immediately after the bell because of my interview (don't worry, I made sure it was ok with the VP - teachers have to stay for an extra 20 mins after the bell) and booted it home to the interview. Fortunately I didn't hit any traffic and arrived at the school with a little time to spare.
I wasn't very nervous for the interview because it was my cooperating teacher from my practicum and the principal who I've talked to several times and is really nice. They asked me a few questions including what Math qualifications I have (not a whole lot besides an A+ in university stats and a logical mind) and about my classroom practices and then by the end of the interview he told me he was going to recommend me for the job! The only thing now is to wait for approval from the school board because they have to be ok with me teaching Math Essentials (not difficult math by any means). That should come either tomorrow or Friday and then I start ASAP :) Crazy!
My worries from yesterday are still there because the world just decided to throw me another curve ball but at least it looks like I won't have to sub anymore and I'll have an excellent paycheque until the end of July :) yay for saving money for school!
Crossing my fingers that I get to stop subbing!
Nerdy side note: Today is March 15th, and while Math geeks around the world celebrate March 14th as Pi day (get it 3.14)... mmm pie... March 15th is a date that makes people spout Shakespeare a little more than they normally would. Why? The famous line in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, "Beware the ides of March" in which a soothsayer (your typical psychic/fortune-teller/seer/prophet type guy) warns cryptically warns Caesar that he's going to die on March 15th. The real "ides of March" - March 15th, 44 BC was a REALLY long time ago, but if you're remotely interested in what happened, there's a pretty good National Geographic Article that explains the whole thing.
Today hasn't been nearly as ominous as the ides of March could be (or were for Caesar), but it definitely had a lot to do with Shakespeare; I had to go into the Mount today for an information session about the honours in English program. It went well. I met my potential thesis supervisor and she said that she would be willing to work with me, she just wants to meet with me about my topic next week first. She seems nice, but I'm still a little apprehensive. I think it's because the questions she was asking me about what I wanted to do were very specific and I haven't quite gotten everything narrowed down just yet. Something for me to do before next Tuesday or Thursday. No pressure or anything!
After the info session I climbed the hill (the one thing that I don't miss about the Mount is that friggin' hill!) and passed in the form that allowed me to reactivate my student number. So I'm officially able to register for classes next year. I'm only one step away from actually being enrolled in the honours program! Woot! I felt really good at that moment. The woman at the registrar's service desk welcomed me back and said that they had missed me. Obviously she was being facetious, but it was kinda sweet, and come to think of it, just what I needed at the time too.
So I got home and helped my sister with her paper on, ironically (or fitting, however you choose to see it), the socialization of teachers. I loaded her up with a bunch of my BEd textbooks as sources and helped her with the dozens of questions she had about whether she was on the right track in her analysis or not. She was dead on by the way. Apparently there's research to prove the fact that teaching is a difficult profession to adjust to. Who knew?
Anyway, I got a phone call to work tomorrow at a junior high. I'm so not a junior high teacher, but I need the money and I didn't really want to refuse the day especially when talking to an actual person and not an automated machine, so I took it. (I wonder who gave her my number...) Now I need to get up and be all the away across the city for 8:15 tomorrow morning. Woot. Oh well. So I'm talking to Vikki, helping with her paper, and reading some Shakespeare background info that was buried one of my boxes of teaching stuff when I get another phone call. This one is from my old practicum school and current main sub school, but it wasn't for a sub day. It was the principal asking me to come in for an interview for an English and Math job.. a term job.. that will last until the end of June, allowing me to get paid for most of the summer.
I quickly agreed to come in for the interview even though it will be a logistical nightmare tomorrow. I'll have to be at the junior high (a half hour away) from 8:15 until 2:50 and boot it back to the interview (another half hour drive at least) for 3:30. Not much time to spare there to make sure I'm polished and poised. THEN, after the interview, I have to be at work at the bookstore from 6:30-9:30. At least it's not an earlier shift, so I'll have some time to eat.
This job thing has me a little nervous. First of all, I really want the job. It will make my current financial worries disappear completely, and it's what I've been trained to want since I started teaching - a 100% term job. It will give me term recall for next year, and allow me to keep the term days that I've built up. If I get this job, I won't be starting from scratch next year. But therein lies the problem: I won't be starting from scratch next year, so one of my many reasons for going back to school is no longer applicable. It begs the question, if I get this job, and I still want to go back to school next year, am I doing the right thing? On the other hand, if I'm going back to school next year and I get this job now, I will be able to collect unemployment next year when my teaching salary runs out, which will allow me to have the financial security I need until/while (not sure if that's possible) I'm in school.
The problem with the idea of me getting this job (don't get me wrong, I definitely want it, no matter what I decide to do next year) is the idea that I'd be abandoning the opportunity to move forward in my teaching career by going back to school. And I really want to go back to school. Am I crazy? Possibly.
The last thing I want to do is make the wrong decision, so I'm going to talk my parents, because they're waiting for the update on what happened today anyway and maybe they can help me feel a little better about the whole thing. But, at the very least, I have nothing to lose at this interview tomorrow - if I get it, that's AMAZING and I'll be set either way, and if I don't, my decision will be that much easier. Still nervous though... wish me luck!
I posted this to my facebook already but it's hilarious so I had to post it here too :) Enjoy
This year has been hard for me. Ok, that's a bit of an understatement. For those of you who I haven't completely alienated because of my lack of posting, to make a long story short, I have been forced to go back to substitute teaching because of lack of jobs and a rather nasty situation that I can't, for professional reasons, post here. If I could, I would rant. A lot. And for those who know me personally (which, honestly are probably the only people who actually read this thing), you already know.
Bookstore cutie and I have had a bit of a rough go of it. We still like each other, that much is fairly certain, but the amount of demands on our time (mostly his, because he's taking a crazy courseload at school) has led to us not really getting to spend much time together, if at all, outside of work. To tell you the truth, I'm a little sad about this, because really.. I'd like to spend all of my time with him and the rest of the world can be damned, but that's not practical or realistic. Darn. I have started to really appreciate when I do get to see him or talk to him though. Like today :) and tomorrow :)
Bookstore cutie and I have had a bit of a rough go of it. We still like each other, that much is fairly certain, but the amount of demands on our time (mostly his, because he's taking a crazy courseload at school) has led to us not really getting to spend much time together, if at all, outside of work. To tell you the truth, I'm a little sad about this, because really.. I'd like to spend all of my time with him and the rest of the world can be damned, but that's not practical or realistic. Darn. I have started to really appreciate when I do get to see him or talk to him though. Like today :) and tomorrow :)
So anyway, on to the main point of this post. My latest identity crisis.
I don't like subbing. Day to day, it's ok: the kids can be good, I occassionally actually get to teach stuff when the teachers realize it's me who will be in for them and not some random who can't control a classroom, and I don't have the planning or marking to do. When the kids aren't good, I get to go home at the end of the day and thank my lucky stars that I don't have to be in that class the next day. But I still don't like it. I don't have a sense of community, I don't get to set the tone of the class or plan what to do or get the respect that I deserve. Essentially, I get to babysit. Awesome. (Not really.)
So for the past few months with all of this going on.. no real job, relationship floundering, struggling to make ends meet.. I have been fairly depressed. I've really tried not to be by really trying to keep my brain active - I've been reading a book or more a week lately (expensive habit, but it could be worse) but things have still progressed to the point where I've begun questioning my life's goals. Do I really even want to teach anymore? Am I a good teacher if they won't let me teach? If I'm not a teacher, who am I? That kind of thing.
I think I'm struggling with this more than most people who find themselves in my situation because I was the type of kid who ALWAYS knew what she wanted to do. You could ask the 3 year old me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would have told you that I wanted to be a teacher. I had my stuffed animals and occasionally my baby brother lined up and I taught them their ABCs. Today it isn't stuffed animals or the ABCs that I'm teaching, but you get the idea. I never really considered anything else.
The soul searching really started at the end of January, early February when it became clear that I wasn't going to be getting a term job for second semester. I applied at a billion different places (well not really, because if there were a billion jobs to apply for, I would have gotten one), had a few interviews, but was turned down or overlooked for all of them. I honestly don't know what it was that lost me the jobs. It could have been any number of different things: I'm young, I look even younger, I'm female (and don't tell me that doesn't matter to a principal trying to find someone to teach a bunch of kids who think they're all "gangstas", because it does), and I'm far from intimidating. And what's more, is that I don't want to be anything other than who I am. The one thing that I do have that you'd think would be an asset for a teacher, but doesn't actually get you very far, is a brain. I'm an academic, but apparently you don't need to be to teach high school. Actually, it's probably preferable if you aren't - lower expectations means less frustration. And in the classes they let young teachers teach, you only need to be able to intimidate a class into submission and hopefully be able to cram some curriculum down their throats. Oh, was that me being cynical? Sorry. But at least you see where I'm coming from.
Students have been asking me for as long as I have been teaching, "Miss, if you're so smart, why did you become a teacher? Why didn't you become a doctor or something?" My usual response to this is to gesture to the class, "Because I like this... the interaction with people, getting to teach you all the stuff that I know.. I like that." And I do. But it's getting more and more rare for me to be able to do what I love about teaching, at the level that I enjoy.
So I started thinking: if I'm not happy, when was the last time that I was happy? And the answer wasn't the last time that I had a teaching job. The last time I was happy was this summer when I wasn't teaching (and bookstore cutie and I were super close but that was beside the point).
If I'm not allowed to teach (because I can't get a job) and the last time I had a teaching job I wasn't all that happy anyway.. what would I do if I wasn't a high school teacher anymore?
So I thought some more. What makes me happy? Drama. Reading. Shakespeare. Teaching kids who WANT to learn. Learning new things. For about a week I played with the idea of going back to school and taking drama so that I could finally have the qualifications to teach drama, but then I realized that it wouldn't really help me get a job any more than the qualifications I have now. Sure, I would be qualified to teach a drama class, but drama jobs are harder to get than English ones and those are few and far between. Not to mention the fact that doing that would require several years and thousands of dollars in tuition that I couldn't afford. I wish I had known, going into university, that it was possible to do a double major because I would have taken both English and Drama when I had the chance. Oh well.
With all of this in the back of my mind, knowing that I wasn't happy, and getting to the point where I wanted to do something about it, I went over to my parents house on Sunday. My darling brother (and roommate) who had just returned from a trip to the Dominican (expensive) had approached them asking if it was possible for him to move back in for the summer. Without telling me. He's in a bit of debt (not really bad, but enough that he can't pay it off) and he's planning on moving out with his girlfriend in September. My sister, my other roommate, is going to be in Ottawa for the summer and was intending to still pay rent so that we could keep our apartment.
What Mike's request to my parents did was turn my entire world upside down almost immediately. So here I am, faced with having no roommates in a three bedroom apartment that I cannot afford by myself, with no teaching salary to carry me through the summer months. Not to mention the fact that my parents might be moving to Ottawa in the next few months and they've already asked me and my sister to move into the house until they decide to sell it.
My mom's response to this? Sure Mike, you can move back in. Lisa, you should move back in too.
My response? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm 27 years old. I DO NOT want to move back in with my parents. Living at home SUCKS! It is so hard to have privacy, freedom, a life? But what other choice do I have, if I've already agreed to stay in the house while my parents are gone? I can't just get another roommate, not that any of my friends are in need of roommates right now either.
So we agreed on some terms and conditions that don't require me to surrender the freedom that I've become accustomed to and in the process of all of that I broke down and cried. A lot. The source of the tears came from my unwillingness to surrender a lifestyle that I enjoy and that I've worked really hard for, and from not actually being completely happy with my current situaiton. So we talked and I mentioned the idea that I didn't know if I really wanted to teach high school anymore (We've gone over how hard that admission is for someone like me, right? Hense the identity crisis). I mentioned the idea of possibly going back to school and I guess it must have been in the back of my mind for a while, because suddenly I was telling my parents that I wanted to continue on with my original "backup plan" for when I was trying to get into the education program - if they won't let me teach high school, I'll teach university.
In order to do that, I need to do my honours thesis and a couple of other English courses that I avoided doing when I was doing my English degree the first time around. My thinking was, why put yourself through the extra torture of writing a 40-60 page paper if you don't have to? And to think that I want to now... well obviously I must really be unhappy or have gone completely crazy. So I explained my basic plan of going back, doing my honours (1 year) and then going on to do my Masters in English (which I can have funded through grants and stuff) and then do my PhD, and my parents were surprisingly, super excited. Weird. I thought they'd think I was nuts, just like everyone else would. Turns out that they had noticed how unhappy I have been in the last little while and they're glad that I'm finally deciding to do something that will make me happy. My mom told me I was "wasting my time" teaching high school but I think that might have been going a little too far. I'm glad I went the route that I did because without it, I wouldn't have half the friends that I do today.
Thursday I went to the Mount and sat down with the chair of the department and discussed what I had to do to complete the Honours Certificate in English (I already have my BA, this just adds the honours to it). Apparently, it's pretty easy to get started. All I have to do is fill out a form and give it to the registrar's office to get my student number reactivated, find a professor who is willing to supervise my thesis, and write a letter to the department requesting admission to the honors program. They then sit down, look at my letter, talk to the professor about whether or not they're really willing to help me, and then approve my application, at which point it then gets processed. Then I start researching. I'll have to take 1.5 or possibly 2.5 courses next year plus my honours thesis which is considered another class in itself, and I'll be done by the end of April to graduate in May. The only thing is, it won't be possible for me to substitute teach for more than 1 day a week while I'm in school. That makes the money situation a bit difficult, but if I'm going to have to move home anyway... well.. that's just something that I'll have to think about as soon as everything gets a little more solidified on Tuesday when I go back to the Mount for the info session and to meet my potential thesis supervisor.
I'm excited about this. It's scary, and I'm really nervous because I'm out of practice and I'm sure my research and writing skills are a little bit rusty at best, but I'm excited. It feels like I'm on the edge of something great and that I could possibly be something great. Who knows. But everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe I wasn't meant to get a job this year, because I need to do this.
